Nuts!

"Success in Life"

When you're 4... success is...
        Not peeing in your pants.
When you're 12... success is...
        Having friends.
When you're 16... success is...
        Having a driver's license.
When you're 20... success is...
        Having sex.
When you're 35... success is...
        Having money.
When you're 50... success is...
        Having money.
When you're 60... success is...
        Having sex.
When you're 70... success is...
        Having a driver's license.
When you're 75... success is...
        Having friends.
When you're 80... success is...
        Not peeing in your pants.

**************************************

"Nuts!"

An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its
inmates to attend a baseball game. The director
spent days training the patients to obey his
commands so there wouldn't be any trouble.

The day of the game was bright and sunny, and
the group arrived just before the first pitch. When
it was time for the national anthem, the director
yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately
rose.

When the national anthem was over, the director
yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat.

The game proceeded, and the inmates were well
behaved. When the home team made a good play,
the director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients
applauded just like normal fans.

Things were going so well that the director left his
seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he
came back, there was a riot going on.

The director finally located his assistant and
demanded, "What happened?"

"Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until
some guy came over and yelled, "Peanuts!"
Received on Sun Jan 4 02:02:50 2004