Subject: An Honest Resume
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Mon Mar 24 2003 - 07:01:57 EST
"An Honest Resume"
As Randy was working on re-spinning his resume
this past week, he realized that we're never quite
truthful on resume's and job applications. We try
to make ourselves look as good as possible, usually
better than we really are. So today, Randy thought
he'd fill out a job application the way he wants to
rather than the way he should .....
NAME: Randy Allen
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha Ha. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky,
I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock
options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.
If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yup.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management
hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible
collections of hubcaps and
beer bottles.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m., Monday,
Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but
they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT
WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50
LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner in the
Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE
YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy
super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since
sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND
COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
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