Subject: Wise Sayings And Observations
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Wed Mar 13 2002 - 15:47:48 EST
1. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school
was my blood alcohol level.
2. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they
know me here.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with
'GUESS' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
5. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is
when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
6. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get
the same effect just by standing up really fast."
7. Sign on Oriental Pet Store: "Buy one dog,
get one flea..."
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure
makes misery easier to live with.
9. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had
it, chances are you won't either.
10. I have learned there is little difference in
husbands, you might as well keep the first.
11. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours
and the stupid idiot's.
12. Travel is very educational. I can now say
"Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
13. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85
cents at bowling alleys.
14. After all is said and done, usually more is
said than done.
15. If I'm a nobody, and nobody is perfect, than
I am perfect.
16. I married my wife for her looks but not the
ones she's been giving me lately!
17. Everyday I beat my own previous record for
number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
18. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined
so quickly by just one busted condom?
19. No one ever says "It's only a game," when
their team is winning.
20. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put
a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
21. How come we choose from just two people
for president and 50 for Miss America?
22. Ever notice that people who spend money
on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are
always complaining about being broke and
not feeling well?
23. How long a minute is depends on what
side of the bathroom door you're on.
24. Middle age is when you choose your
cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
25. Why is it that most nudists are people
you don't want to see naked?
26. I mixed Rogaine with Viagra. Now I've
got hair like Don King.
27. I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately,
there's a decimal point involved.
28. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
29. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can
hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up,
you don't know where it's been.
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