Subject: Old Couple Arrived in Heaven
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Wed Jan 30 2002 - 08:36:58 EST
"Death Notice"
When the husband finally died his wife put
the usual death notice in the paper, but
added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner
were the papers delivered when a good
friend of the family phoned and complained
bitterly, "You know very well that he died of
diarrhea, not gonorrhea.
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and
day so of course I know he died of diarrhea,
but I thought it would be better for posterity
to remember him as a great lover rather than
the big poop he always was."
************************
"Old Couple Arrived in Heaven"
An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost
sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good
health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her
interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them
to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful
kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and
Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked
Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free,"
Peter replied. "This is heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf
course that the home backed up to. They would have
golfing privileges every day, and each week the course
would change to new one that represented one of the
great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What
are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is heaven;
you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish
buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you
understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the
low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked
timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can
eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you
never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven."
With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped
on it, and shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried
to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The
old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your
fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I
could have been here ten years ago!"
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