Subject: Christmas Gifts for Men
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Sat Dec 22 2001 - 10:01:06 EST
"Christmas Gifts for Men"
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated
as it is for women. Follow these rules and you
should have no problems.
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does
not matter if he already has one. I have a friend
who owns 17 and he has yet to complain! As a
man, you can never have too many cordless drills.
No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything
with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying
those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your
ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with
my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his
car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or
something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love
gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never
buy men bathrobes. I was told that if Lord had wanted
men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn't have invented Jockey
shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones
they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your
man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner.
Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it
will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey
or beer.
Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave
or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills.
Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely
everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock.
Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly
required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he
will always have parts left over.
Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works,
Parr Lumber Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center,
and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's
Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It
doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA
Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a
starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they
will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-
pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the
thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12:
Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he
will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th
Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13:
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love
a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule
#8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum
extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It
must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins,
or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred
feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.
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