Subject: Viagra Housewife's Diary
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Wed Mar 01 2000 - 07:46:29 EST
"Diary Of A Mad Viagra Housewife"
{From the archives of Joke du Jour, before it turned PG13}
Dear Diary:
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary
with not much to celebrate. When it came time
to re-enact our wedding night, HE locked himself
in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's
impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first
to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T
know! I mean, give me a break. He's been
dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs.
Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington
Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the
market that will fix his er... "problem." It's called
Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will
be just like they were on our wedding night. He said,
"This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us."
(I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the
Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun
intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager
asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they
were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF!
Not everything is about you!
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday,
instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new
friend as a weed wacker.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only
take so much. And to make matters worse, he's
washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo
of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I going to do?
Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything
is turning blue. The other day, we were watching
Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet, and he thought it was
The Smurfs Do Denmark.
Day 12
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out
with Black and Decker.
Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums
and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming
after me!
Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every
time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like
going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like
President Bush was back then and pulls out in
100 days.
Day 15
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is
working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now
he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.
Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way
he wants to: stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to
close the casket. Argh!
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