Subject: The Dichotomy of Jewish Mothers
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Tue Jan 25 2000 - 03:36:57 EST
"The Top Reasons Why Hanukkah
Is Better Than Christmas"
There's no "Kathy Lee Gifford Hanukkah Special."
Eight days of presents (well... in theory, anyway).
More elephants in the Hanukkah story.
No need to clean the chimney.
There's no latke-nog.
No roof damage from reindeer.
Dance of the Sugar-Plum Rebbe.
Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.
Never a silent night when you're among your
Jewish loved ones.
You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
Betting Hanukkah gelt (money) on candle races.
You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
Yes, Rivka'le, there is no Santa Claus.
No barking dog version of "I had a Little Dreidel."
Naked spin-the-dreidel games.
No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
Fun waxy buildup.
No awkward explanations of virgin birth.
Latkes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
Cheer optional.
No Irving Berlin songs.
You can't be nailed to the menorah.
*************************************************************
"The Dichotomy of Jewish Mothers"
On the first night of Chanukah, my Jewish mother said,
"You'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."
On the second night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."
On the third night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."
On the fourth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."
On the fifth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."
On the sixth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Don't you like the doughnuts?
YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."
On the seventh night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Take another brownie,
YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."
On the eighth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
"Try my home-made strudel,
take another brownie,
YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."
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