Subject: What If G~d Had Voice Mail
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Thu Aug 17 2000 - 21:55:56 EDT
"What If G~d Had Voice Mail"
We have all learned to live with voice mail as
a necessary part of modern life. But you may
have wondered: what if G~d decided to install
voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this........
Thank you for calling The Lord's House. Please
select from the following options:
Press 1 for GENERAL REQUESTS.
Press 2 for THANKSGIVING.
Press 3 for COMPLAINTS.
Press 4 for HEALING.
Press 5 for HELP WITH THE IRS.
Press 6 for RAIN or No RAIN.
Press 7 for MIRACLES.
Press 8 for LOTTERY WINNING NUMBERS.
Press 9 for ALL OTHER INQUIRIES OR
JUST TO SAY "HI"
Press 0 to hear this menu again
What if G~d used the familiar excuse: "I'm
sorry, all the angels are helping other SINNERS
right now. Please stay on the line. Your call is
important to us and will be answered in this
millennium.
Can you imagine getting these kind of responses
as you call G~d in prayer:
If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 11.
For Michael, press 22.
For a directory of the other Archangels, press 33.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm
while you are holding, please press 55. Then
wait for the beep and enter the number of the
Psalm you wish to hear.
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to
heaven, press 62. Enter his or her social
security number, the press the pound (#) key,
enter his or her date of birth, then press the
pound (#) key twice.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs,
the age of the earth, where Noah's Ark is, Darwin,
Hitler, the Pope, abortion, and UFOs, please wait
until you arrive here, answers can only be
understood from a "heavenly perspective."
To reach Lucifer, press 666, and your call will be
automatically transferred. PLEASE be careful,
your receiver may become warm.
Our computers show that you have already called
once today. Please hang up and try tomorrow.
This office is closed for the weekend. Please call
again on Monday, after 9:30 A.M., but before 4:30
ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time).
To order any religious material enter catalog
number, quantity, and a major credit card number
plus expiration date.
For emergencies, refer to your BIBLE.
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