Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Mon, 18 Oct 1999 10:06:23 -0400
"The Toddler Miracle Diet"
Americans are always on the lookout for a new
diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't
get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you
don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you
go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people
tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days,
or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all
over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and
tell your friends you have a gland problem?
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet!
Over the years you may have noticed, as I have,
that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me
one day over a glass of water and a carrot that
perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation
with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught
Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is
inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient
quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however,
be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise,
you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of
toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg,
using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over
your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of
potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only,
then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4
sips of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and
toss it on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen
floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla
extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick
and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor).
One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until
sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and
continue slurping until it is clean again. Then
bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which
should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour
grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat
with a spoon.
DAY THREE ---
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup,
eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk;
drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After
breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug,
lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your
best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly
sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor.
Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato
chips, some red punch.
FINAL DAY ---
Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any
flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of
milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half cup
of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk
and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and
dining room carpet. Find that sucker and
finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate
milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of
mascara for dessert.
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