Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Wed, 20 Jan 1999 20:08:16 -0500
Happy Birthday to me...
Happy Birthday to me...
To tell you the truth, I'm pretty amazed by the number of
people who actually remembered my Birthday from my
last year's not-so-humble announcement and sent me
notes of congratulations. I thank you all from the bottom
of my heart. No, don't ask how old I am. I celebrate
my birthdays; I just don't count them. I stopped after 25.
Still, having birthdays is better than the alternative.... ^v^
LadyHawke
~*~*~*~*~*~*
"The Dieter's Guide To Weight Loss During Sex"
How much weight do we lose during sex? The diet
literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing
tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning
sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a
survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote
more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf,
and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex
manual.
EXAMPLES:
1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate
cake.
25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza
with cheese & mushrooms.
53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with
14 french fries.
53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey
with all the trimmings.
PREPARING THE BEDROOM
Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights:
42 (calories burned)
ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS
Hiding the sex manual: 3
Decanting the wine: 4
Without a corkscrew: 268
MAKING THE FIRST MOVE
If you are shy: 15
If you are anxious: 43
If you beg: 100
SEDUCING THE PARTNER
If you are rich (cash): 5
If you are rich (credit card): 15
If you are poor: 200
INITIAL BODY CONTACT
Fumbling: 4
Casually rummaging around: 7
Seriously rummaging around: 42
REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent: 12
Without partner's consent: 187
Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418
AROUSAL AND STIMULATION
Blowing in partner's ear: 15
Blowing in your own ear: 2,512
DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed)
Partner looks better with clothes on: 10
Partner wears corrective underwear: 15
Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100
You don't mind: 0.25
Partner wearing elevated socks: 50
DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME
Fumbling around: 4
Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18
Completely missing: 126
POSITIONS
Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26
German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48
English (woman on top; man hiding): 15
American (both on top): 1,243
AFFLICTIONS
Leg cramp: 36
Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612
Sneezing (during intercourse): 7
Sneezing (during orgasm): 588
ASSORTED ACCIDENTS
Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5
Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72
Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1
Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17
Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133
Calling your partner the wrong name: 50
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off: 15
Expression didn't change: 0.5
Room turned purple: 4
Face turned purple: 78
Earth moved: 30
If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588
Moaning in Turkish: 506
THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX
"I am so grateful": 15
"It must have been something we ate": 15
"Was it good for you?": 15
"Are you finished?": 15
TRYING AGAIN
If woman is ready: 5
If man is not: 563
ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP
After sex: 18
During sex: 546
While parking car: 212
SLEEP
Real: 5
Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74
TAKING A BATH TOGETHER
In a bath: 5
In a sink: 150
In a jacuzzi: 15,269
MAKING THE BED
With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness
obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who
is very tired).
With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal
and profound dissatisfaction)
KEEPING A JOURNAL
Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be
helpful for keeping track of weight loss.You needn't go
into detail, just list the activity and the number of
calories burned. A typical entry in a woman's journal
(for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual
experience might read as follows:
December 1st: Sex with Harold
Explaining how: 12
Suggesting something different: 3
Calming terrified Harold: 40
Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8
Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56
Intercourse (standing position): 22
Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10
Intercourse (urging him on): 5
Orgasm: not sure
Thanking Harold: 3
Waving bye-bye: 1
Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting)
Total calories burned: 160
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