Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Sun, 10 Jan 1999 02:32:08 -0500
But seriously, folks... I get 250+ e-mail a day. When I see
a big piece of e-mail or an attachment being downloaded, and
then it turns out to be a chain letter and some silly cartoon or
a wav file or, worse yet, an exe file, I get livid. Time is the
most precious thing in life, and I hate wasting mine. Please
don't suggest that I view my mail on line because that takes
even more time. Also, please learn the BCC (Blind Carbon
Copy). Your friends and I will be thankful. NOBODY likes to
see the HUGE distribution lists or to have his/her e-mail
address exposed.
Inasmuch, PLEASE do NOT send me CHAIN MAIL of ANY
TYPE, cute or otherwise, and never EVER send me ANY
attachments. Perpetrators will be instantly and permanently
BANNED from Joke du Jour. Thank you very much!
Keep Smiling! It's Contagious!
LadyHawke
~*~*~*~*~*~*
"The Mother Of All Urban Legends"
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home
recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of
Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to
sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was
full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the
tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN, and
he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" But he was
afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his
computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would
destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the
crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a
computer programmer who was working on software to save
us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His
program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers
get together and distribute the $600 Nieman Marcus cookie
recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all
last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who
was also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000
if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man
then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing
kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with
an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that
said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few
blocks from the hospital-the one, actually, where that little boy
who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for
everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American
Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail
he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a
bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and
forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten
people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than
ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So
anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on
the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on.
To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot
as part of a gang initiation. And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K
problem caused the Dark Ages.
************************************************************
"The Mother of all E-Mail Bombs"
Badtimes..... or not? (LadyHawke - ^v^)
If you receive an e-mail with a subject of "Badtimes,"
delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the
most dangerous e-mail virus yet.
It will rewrite your hard drive. Not only that, but it will
scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so
that all your ice cream melts. It will de-magnetize the
strips on all your credit cards, mar the tracking on your
VCR, and use the subspace field harmonics to scratch
any CDs you try to play. It will give your very ex-love
interest your new phone number. It will mix anti-freeze
into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its
socks out on the coffee table when company is coming
over.
It will put a dead fish in the back pocket of your good suit
and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
"Badtimes" will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will
give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour
sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows
while dating your current love interest behind your back
and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.
It reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we
hold most dear. It moves your car randomly around
parking lots so you can't find it. It cause a sudden, severe,
unheretofore suspected allergy to your dog! It will leave
libidinous messages on your boss' voice mail in your voice!
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to
behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
"Badtimes" will give you Dutch elm disease. It will leave the
toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in
your bath tub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove
while it goes out to chase high school kids with your
snow blower. These are just a few of the things this virus
can do.
Be warned......."Badtimes" is BAD!
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.0b3 on Sun Jan 10 1999 - 09:00:04 EST