Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Mon, 04 Jan 1999 07:04:50 -0500
Are you getting sick of Christmas stuff? Yeah, me too.
How about something more fun... like a diet? {evil grin}
Q: Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics
Anonymous?
A: Because no one wants to quit.
Q: Is there life without chocolate?
A: We don't know. No one dared to attempt it yet.
LadyHawke
~*~*~*~*~*~*
"The Rules of Chocolate"
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands,
you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices &
strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you
want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home
from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the
parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll
take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top
of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they
will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white
chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually
counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives
make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat
more chocolate.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to
do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily
intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the
freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's
wrong with you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control
top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be
devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?
************************************************************
"Diet For Holiday And Every Day Stress"
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress
that you've build during the Holidays.
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk
Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and
whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars
Late Evening news:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from
the freezer)
Rules For This Diet
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has
no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories
in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count
if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such
as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look
thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories
because they are part of the entertainment package and
not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds,
buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of
breaking cause calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if
you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number
of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream;
mushrooms and mashed potatoes with gravy.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted
for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories.
This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has
no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other
person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how
calories like to cling!)
Remember: STRESSED spelled backwards is....
DESSERTS! So, get some!
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