Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Tue, 09 Feb 1999 10:44:39 -0500
"Guidelines For Men from HumourNet"
The Valentine's Day is coming -- the day that men
everywhere all manage to screw up on SOMETHING.
I think it's genetic. We don't HAVE to screw up, of
course -- all it takes is some attention to detail, and
a little basic knowledge of the dating "Dos and Don'ts"
And, as a service to my brethren, I have decided to
compile the lessons learned from my extensive
dating experience into a simple set of "Guidelines
For Men." I hope you find these pointers as useful
as I have.
First of all, we need to discuss some things that you
CANNOT say to the "love of your life" (or "wife,"
depending upon how far along the relationship has
progressed) under ANY circumstances. Some of
these will come as a surprise to many of you; you'll
simply have to trust me on them. Remember, I'm a
professional. Much like the IRS, I'm here to help you.
AVOID THE FOLLOWING AT ALL COST:
(IT MEANS: DO NOT DO IT!)
1. When she asks, "Do I look fat to you?" -- do NOT
ask her to take a couple of steps back.
2. Never refer to her toothbrush as "the guest
toothbrush." ESPECIALLY after she has started brushing.
3. "Yeah ... for a girl," is NEVER an acceptable answer
to the question, "Do you think I'm smart?"
4. When she asks you why you don't open her door and
hold her coat, do NOT respond, "Because I don't want to
subvert you." (IMPORTANT NOTE: Only *she* is
allowed to use the "s" word.)
5. Answering "Who?" (or "Which one?") in response to,
"Do you think she's prettier than I am?" will *never* end
that line of questioning.
6. Though it SOUNDS cute, "Does a bear [dump] in the
woods?" is NEVER a good answer to the staple prompt,
"Do you love me?"
"The DOs"
(IT MEANS: DO IT!)
On the brighter side, here are some basic answers that
you *can* feel free to provide at any time (do your best
to tie them into the conversation as best you can, though):
1. "Yes, dear, I thought of nothing but you during my
entire business trip/ski trip/ClubMed cruise."
2. "Of *course* it doesn't bother me that you are
*constantly* asking if I love you. It only serves to
reinforce my deep and unwavering devotion to you."
3. "There is no other female more desirable than you in
the entire world. And CERTAINLY not on any other worlds."
4. "Of *course* you can set up a private shrine to your
dead grandmother on top of the fireplace. Nothing else
could possibly look as good up there."
5. "You are entirely right. I was completely wrong.
Whatever it was, I have NO idea how I could possibly
have done something that stupid."
6. "Yes, your mother can come live with us. I'd love that."
7. "I really didn't need all that closet space, anyway."
8. "Yes."
9. "No."
10. "Yes, reservations will be fine."
I certainly hope that men everywhere will find these
suggestions to be as useful as I have. And if you
manage to screw up, anyway (let's face it: it's going
to happen), remember the MOST IMPORTANT
pointers of all:
1. Though better than *nothing*, the Whitman's
Sampler really just ain't cutting it.
2. Never, EVER buy flowers at a supermarket.
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.0b3 on Wed Feb 10 1999 - 09:00:04 EST