FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories,
is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is
almost pure carbohydrates.
FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric
intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men,
if you want to lose the medically safe two to three
pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates
to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15
for men. A measurable goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes
the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to
a consistent workout regimen including deep knee
bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (getting
to the bathroom) and squats (as the case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even
when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added
rest is certain to help any problems you may have
experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories
on those other fad diets. In addition, you may
experience the occasional "How did I get here?"
when you wake up, which always makes for lively
conversation, and possibly additional exercise
if you have to sneak out and run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart.
After just one day of consuming your required
12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume
some aspirin, which is medically proven to help
prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything
you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume
any food until you have consumed at least half of
the day's required beers. This way the food will
probably only stay in your body a short time, until
you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk
and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach
crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where
other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for
example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is
chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really
want to maximize your workout, try actually walking
up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this
to the extreme, you could even get up and get
someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is
newer to the diet plan than yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig. Based on
these facts, let's run through a given scenario for
diet implementation.
CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should
be attempted during the work week by only the
staunchest of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food and
basically be a slob.
FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store
and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking
and begin the consumption process (remember 12
for women, 15 for men).
SATURDAY (a.m.): Wake up (as required) and
lounge around all day, feeling slightly smaller after
expunging any food that you may have accidentally
consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from
7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely
no interest in food, anyway.
SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your
appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet
half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing
discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is a good
thing, as only half-consumption means less than
1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel
hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day.
This is a very convenient diet during football season,
but it can be successfully implemented year-round.
There is some major professional sport being
played every day of the year except the day before
and the day after the Major League All-Star game
(fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be
paced to cover the entire day-you don't want to peak
too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and
are feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested,
and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and
begin preparation for the upcoming weekend.
Happy dieting!!!