The Top 39 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner
say ever, no matter how much they've had to drink, no
matter how far from the South they've wandered and no
matter how much the skunks are threatening...
39. I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex
38. Duct tape won't fix that
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
35. We don't keep firearms in this house
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog
32. I thought Graceland was tacky
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe
30. Wrasslin's fake
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds
22. Deer heads detract from the decor
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today
19. Trim the fat off the steak
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso
17. The tires on that truck are too big
16. I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad
15. I've got it all on a floppy disk
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams
9. Checkmate
8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen
5. I don't have a favorite college team
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer
And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is,
1. Elvis who?
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"The Gas Grill"
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon, they
were working in the garden together. As the wife was
bending over pulling weeds, the husband said,
"Hey, honey you are getting fat. Your butt is getting HUGE.
I bet it is as big as the gas grill now."
The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard
stick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep, he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size."
The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the
gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her
husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up
to his wife, and said, "How about it honey? How about a little
lovemaking?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him
the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
To which she replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this
big grill for your one little weenie, do you?"